Date: Sunday, November 13, 2016
Mountain: Black Mountrain (Benton, NH)
Trails: Up the Chippewa Trail and down the Black Mountain Trail

Submitted by Pat

The day dawns cold and clear with abating winds and temps in the 30's. As I drive west over the Kankamagus I see many of the 4,000-foot peaks covered in snow and rime ice. Stunning. Nancy and I meet at the Chippewa trailhead, put on our boots and drive to the Black Mountain trailhead. Only one other car is there when we start off at 9:08 AM with Nancy feeling the cold pretty intensely.

The trail enters a stand of pines early on and we start climbing. The steep trail gets us sweating and breathing, but it's manageable, even for me. I still am struggling to get fit and stay there. Can't seem to focus. I know I am still healing from all the cancer stuff. We stop and rest for a minute here and there before moving on.

I tell Nancy about my depression and the fact that I have been self-medicating with sleep aids and occasionally with left-over pain meds to deal with it. It is so hard to live with this addictive self, even though I have a lot of valid stress in my life. I have pain, from cancer treatments and procedures, from depression, and I am desperate to manage it. Another freaking addiction for me to fight and overcome, alone. Nancy listens, doesn't judge, but clearly and from the heart expresses her concern and desire for me to stop self-medicating. I hear that. I want to stop too, but I have been taking sleep aids for so long that I don't know if I can sleep without them and adding sleepless nights to the list of stuff I'm dealing with is too much right now. I can stop taking some meds. Some of them don't seem to affect me anymore anyway.

It feels hugely emotional to share this truth about me with Nancy. I haven't told anyone else how bad it is. I have a new therapist to help me through this rough patch and I don't know if I'm going to tell her, at least not during our first session. I don't know or trust her yet. I need to tell my psychiatric nurse who is managing my meds and I think she will wield a stronger hand asking me to stop. I'm scared of telling both of them. I'm scared of telling Theresa too.

We reach the summit at 11 AM. Gorgeous view of Moosilauke and the southern ranges as well as some snow-covered peaks toward the northeast that I can't identify. After Nancy changes into warm, dry clothes, we eat and sit in the sun. I feel unsettled by my self-revelation about self-medication. I feel on edge, restless, can't sit and just be in this beautiful place.

We start down the Black Mountain Trail at 11:30 AM - 2.4 miles - on an unattractive trail that mostly follows an old carriage road or bridle path. We take turns talking and walking in companionable silence. My knees are bothering me a bit, nothing unusual, though I am rather impressed that I have been able to hike these past weeks without sticking to a regular exercise routine.

We both smile when we see Nancy's beautiful orange Jeep that marks the end of our journey at 12:45 PM. We drive back to pick up my car and say goodbye. We won't be hiking together for a while due to Nancy's travel schedule. We will start again in the new year.

33/52 with a View